


When Levi gets his gay on.

by IceBreeze



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Bad Puns, Crack, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-14
Updated: 2016-01-14
Packaged: 2018-05-07 23:35:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 912
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5474699
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IceBreeze/pseuds/IceBreeze
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Levi leaves the closet and somebody is going to die for it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	When Levi gets his gay on.

**Author's Note:**

> This is 100% crack and is based on a joke a friend made. I have not edited it or attempted to keep it serious in any shape or form, so it may not make sense and will be OOC. (Not posted in the drabble book because I don't want it with them).

Most people desire subtlety when they finally have the _‘totally not hetero’_ realization. They definitely do not want it advertised to everyone within the same country and then some. Sadly, the universe has other ideas. And the universe always has the best ideas, so be prepared for yours to take a back seat (or to be buried six feet under your humiliation and plans to destroy all witnesses. Either works).

Levi Ackerman, the latest victim in this game of ‘spot the gay,’ was not happy at this eureka revelation (never mind the fact it took him 34 years to finally figure out why he would rather jam his hand into dirt than date a woman). Oh, he was far from happy and there was an increasingly high chance that someone would either die or everyone could _‘eat shit,_ ’ to put it politely. He really didn’t care who or which, but someone would pay dearly for this.

You see, it wasn’t meant to be this way (not that anything ever did go the way you wanted to, because why have things easy when someone else can laugh at your pain?). It had been a nice, simple day (the kind you rarely get), with absolutely nothing up other than a few squabbles that came naturally when you had Yeager and Kirchstein in the same squad for training and a minor accident involving Hange getting a little too enthusiastic in their research. But then Erwin (stupid shit with his eyes and his voice, acting all perfect, like he isn’t one of the most flawed people there), had to step forward to say something, which gave Levi quite a nice view of his ass.

And what an ass. He found his eyes unabashedly staring at it, tracing the lines where his trousers rippled to show the muscle that lay beneath and it wasn’t until he found himself fantasizing about how those legs would look above him when his mind finally clicked:

‘ _Fuck. I’m gay.’_

And this short moment of insight was, apparently, all the universe needed to ascertain that ‘now is the time to be a jerk,’ because low and behold, uptown funk began to serenade them as the sky opened up. Everything was bright and horrible, with a rainbow spotlight glaring down upon him as flowers fell down upon the currently bewildered Survey corps. And then because apparently that wasn’t enough, a winged guy wearing a banner (glittery, of all things) stating:

_‘The Gayngel Gaybriel.’_

Ah, goodbye dignity. Maybe a titan will come flying in and free him of this torture. The angel- sorry, gayngel- landed beside him with a flourish, throwing his arms around his shoulders and god, Levi wanted nothing more than to cut those dirty pieces of crap off and slap the annoyance around the face with them, but sadly he had no option of doing that with the entire group staring at him with mild shock (and something peculiar in Erwin’s eyes, but he couldn’t care less about that right now). And then the gayngel opened his nauseating mouth (does the guy never brush? It smells worse than a titan’s fart) and shouted:

“BEHOLD, GOOD PEOPLE OF ALL GENDERS AND SEXUALITIES.”

_Oh god, no._

“THIS MAN IS AS GAY AS HE IS SHORT!”

Ah, he was going to kill them all. Starting with Yeager, who’s shocked stare was agitating and Hange, who had burst out laughing. 

“AND HE WOULD VERY MUCH LIKE A PIECE OF COMMANDER HOTTIE’S ASS!”

Oh, a titan better get a move on or there would be a massacre soon and humanity would be several soldiers short. His hand gripped the knife up his sleeve as Erwin stared at him with that same frustrating (and disturbingly endearing, when it isn’t dissecting you like a titan in Hange’s grasp) gaze he had when they first met. Unfortunately, his attempts to throw off the piece of trash clinging to him proved unsuccessful as his hands just went through him, leaving him with little to do but glare, fume and plot as the guy tried for one last parting shout:

“AND THOUGH CAPTAIN LEVI THE _-OH-MY_ IS LACKING ONE OF HIS OWN, DON’T MISJUDGE HOW HOT HE IS. HE’LL SKIN YOU ALIVE.”

And with that, it all disappeared back in to clouds as quickly as it came, but with less fanfare and a whole lot more gawping, (with a big dash of salt from Levi). An then that gawping turned back to face him because of course, why just learn to leave things alone when you can be an idiot who doesn’t know how to quit? There was silence for a good few minutes before Levi’s glare turned venomous and he strung out a threat of making them train until dawn that they finally turned back to the training.

Well, most of them. Sadly, such threats weren’t effective against Hange (who cackled brightly and winked, before skipping to pester Ackerman about something or other) and Erwin, who is most unfortunately his superior and thus above his commands. This is probably why the man came to stand beside him and said, after a rather weighty silence that was rather like being strangled:

“Since you apparently want ‘my ass,’ I suppose you’ll have to come to my bedroom tonight.”

A pause, before he sighed, accepting the fact that he’ll never have dignity again and he had been unceremoniously dragged out but at least he get’s his guy, saying: 

“Fine. I’m cleaning it first.”

**Author's Note:**

> Can be found on [tumblr.](http://polyhymina.tumblr.com/writings)


End file.
